III. First reviews on Barnes & Noble. Unfortunately none are funny.

First reviews on Barnes & Noble. Unfortunately none are funny.

• John_Pryce

Posted December 21, 2014

girl follows 25 years of an extraordinary woman¿s life. Gorgeous

girl follows 25 years of an extraordinary woman’s life. Gorgeous writing, lyrical and revelatory, infuriating and hilarious, thrilling and touching, an absolutely beautiful book.

• J__Mangual

Posted December 19, 2014

Compulsively readable. The heroine’s twenty-five-year journey fr

Compulsively readable. The heroine’s twenty-five-year journey from fifteen-year-old rape victim, rejected by her family, to survivor, to charismatic leader would be excruciating if it weren’t for Chan’s lapidary prose and lacerating wit. I can’t think of another author who alternates between breathtaking satire and profound insight as deftly as Chan.

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• chanfan369

Posted December 22, 2014

more from this reviewer

Another great read!! A jolting, unforgettable voice, girl has a

Another great read!! A jolting, unforgettable voice, girl has a raw energy we all responded to. It has real lyrical qualities even though the subject matter can be shocking.

• W_E_Clarke

Posted December 25, 2014

You can¿t help but be pulled into the vortex of this devastating

You can’t help but be pulled into the vortex of this devastating, visceral, brutally intense, super-engaging novel, peppered with witty one-liners.

• sconelly528

Posted December 25, 2014

Heartfelt, witty, and thought-provoking¿ Be ready to be spellbou

Heartfelt, witty, and thought-provoking… Be ready to be spellbound. girl is the kind of book you’ll want to press into the hands of everyone you know, just so they can share your obsession and you can relive it.

II. Dispelling Scurrilous Rumors

I feel compelled to respond to the savage scuttlebutt swirling around the publication of girl.

Scurrilous rumors aside, North Korea did not threaten to whack everyone who buys less than five of my books. Although contrary to my financial interest, I assure you that you have nothing to worry about if you buy just one… maybe two to be safe. If, however, you have balls the size of Sony’s, go with twenty-six.

I have been accused of being insensitive, but I would never be as mean-spirited as the President of Smith College, who was forced to apologize for saying “All Lives Matter.” My consistent position has been that, with the exception of mine, those of my immediate family, and possibly those of one or two friends, No Lives Matter. To clear up another misunderstanding: when some people say “I can’t breathe” it’s not because they’re laughing so hard at the one-liners in girl that they are unable to inhale.

My publisher, bless his kindly heart, has expressed concern over the possible reaction of the ultra-orthodox community to the first chapter of girl, in which a fifteen-year-old member of an insular ultra-orthodox community, is raped in the back room of a kosher butcher shop and the chief rabbi demands that she blame a homeless black man. My son rolled his eyes. “How many ultra-orthodox you think are going to read your book?”

Contrary to rumor, I don’t plan to throw a brick, with my book taped to it, through the window of a kosher butcher shop, in order to stir up protests. I am considering hiring yeshiva boys to march in front of my Fifth Avenue office, and suggesting to Al Sharpton that he organize a counter-protest. As for PETA, the NRA, the ASPCA, SAGE, NAMBLA, ACLU, the NBA, the NFL, and NYU, all I ask is that you carry signs displaying the title and my name in large easily readable type, that you first contact your local news stations, and that you bring along a competent videographer. Best not to obtain a permit; arrests play well in the news, and incarceration is such a small price to pay for supporting such a worthy cause.

Welcome to the first entry in my Blog by Robert N. Chan

Welcome to the first entry in my blog. I intend to amuse and inspire, and also to promote my amusing and inspiring novel girl. Once you and I tire of that, I’ll move on to other topics.

The flyer announcing girl’s publication, complete with anticipate praise is attached below (I think, I’m not so good at this yet). Most authors wait until they receive actual reviews or obtain blurbs from other authors all too ready to exchange favors. What’s the point in that? As the author I know the book better than anyone and can make up my own blurbs.

I plan to submit real reviews in my next blog entry, but for that I need your cooperation my beloved readers. So, buy the book (it will be available on Amazon, Barnes & Noble, Kindle etc. in a few days and is already available from my publisher Second Wind Publishing), read it, enjoy it, savor it, review it on Amazon, Barnes & Noble, and Goodreads. I promise you won’t be disappointed. But if you are, hey, you’ll have the power of the pen, pan me. It will hurt my feelings but I’ll get over it…maybe.

Yes, I understand some of you will be offended by my humor, and others by the lack of it, but that’s part of the fun. There are plenty of authors out there who offend no one, but if that’s really what you want, save your money and stare at the wall.